commitment?!!!

there wuz a time when i thought i am ready to commit in a relationship.. THERE WUZ!!! but these few years..(since i came here to be exact..) i spent a lot of time thinking about this... well.. when u live alone.. there will be so much time to think to hv a company beside u.. + if there is a poll about the most topics i get every time i come back to Malaysia.. question about marriage.. gf... n everything in between will hv a slide majority.. easily... come to think about it... it makes sense.. i am now 24... my sister recently married... that makes me next in the line... there is a lot of my friends in the same age if not majority hv married.. some even hv baby(ies)... n gosh... i know a few of my relatives n frens younger than me hv married... some even hv baby(ies) or going to hv one..

in 2nd thought... i am only 24... if i get married now... there is a chance i will hv to spend a lifetime with the girl i'm married... up to 2 lifetime if i hv a long life.. come to think about it... all this years... hv i commit to something/someone all my life up to know? except for my own family.. i cant think about anything else.. but when i think again... almost(if not more than) half of my life i spent away from my family... and the half that i spent with my family wuz since i born untill i wuz in standard 6.. in that 12 years... almost half of it i dont even remember.. (i wuz a baby... then a small kids who only knows how to play.. eat when i'm hungry.. cry when i'm in pain).. it wuz the simpler time...

then primary school.. got pocket money from my parents in the morning.. go to school.. playing almost all the time.. only pretend to be good in front of my teachers.. hihihi.. luckily there wuz no complex math... n i'm good in language.. my mom is a bm teacher.. even teach me english when i wuz in standard 1.. never teach me in the later years though.. which is a relief.. she is very strict in class.. i couldn't even say the word mom when i wuz in school as far as i remember..

i learnt to live on my own since i wuz a kid.. we are not a poor family... but certainly not rich... three big things i remember my dad bought me wuz a computer(dos operated.. 1991).. a micro genius... (a video game.. my 1st console ever..).. n a mountain bike.. other smaller things i got by crying to my mom n sis... =p or just saving my pocket money to buy them.. there are times when i only spent half of my pocket money... sometimes less.. even not spending it all... (simple.. i ate breakfast b4 i go to school.. play during recess.. i wuz a kid.. playing is more important than food ok.. then go back home to hv a nice lunch...

hurmm.. is that how i started to manage my own finance.. mayb... it wasnt easy to earn them... n i wuz very particular on how i spent them... in 1997.. sas.. a boarding school.. spent 5 years there.. away from my family.. then a month in matrix pilah... owhh.. that is after a few months at home waiting for my spm result... but i remember that year my parents when to mecca.. both of my older sis working.. my younger sis wuz in a boarding school.. n my little bro spent most of his day at my uncle's house.. at that time our house in damansara damai is still new.. there wuz no school.. n my lil bro wuz in the same school with my cousin.. they when to school together n only come back home when my sister is back.. i live alone most of the time.. went out a few times a week.. wanted to hv a part time job but my dad didnt give a permission.. still.. i spend half of the day with my family and the other half alone or with my frens.. after pilah a few more years in poly-tech college bangi.. than i went here.. in 2005..

hurmm.. that is most about it.. back to the issue.. commitment.. there wuz a time when i wuz madly in luv.. hv a thought that i'm ready to commit 100% to a relationship.. till the relationship went sour... devastated i wuz.. the after effect is overwhelming.. i once thought when i arrived here i will never want to come back to malaysia.. bawak diri laa kononnye.. huhuhu... it wuz stupid i know... instead of searching a new girl for rebound.. i took the long way.. give a thought about it.. a very long thought... met with some great girls.. but after one another i get away b4 my relationship get too close... commitment problems? mayb.. probably i just look too far into it.. but sometimes.. i think i dont look far enough..

a guy is a guy... the 1st n easiest thing to see is how pretty/cute the girl is.. but in time i learnt how shallow that wuz... start looking into her heart.. this part is tricky... men n women alike.. there is no easy way to know someone's heart.. learning them take a quiet long time... i invested some of my time for it.. then come the trickiest part.. to understand them... being a friend to different sexes is not easy i tell u.. there are common grounds.. but so much difference.. to learn, to understand, to respect and to take the difference away from being a barrier.. hurmm... i could say that it is a full time job... same like marriage...

sharing is one thing.. i came to a conclusion.. i am a family man.. my job to my family is the highest priority.. all these years.. its clear that us human... more n more thinking about money n career.. + power i guess.. no matter men or women.. hurmmm.. not all.. but the number is increasing.. that is y no matter how pretty.. how connected i am with a girl.. i'll put career woman below on my list.. even though i could share my feelings with them.. hv a blast as a fren.. i dont think that i could live my life with someone married to her job..

there are a few n rarely found qualities nowadays which i want to keep around my life.. selfless... and the willing to sacrifice.. i could add a few more.. but this post will only become longer.. i just pick the top 2... i dont like to be angry.. making anyone angry... or someone angry at me... so i try dont make anyone angry just for the sake of i dont want others to angry with me... huhuhu.. y? i learnt that i am the kind of person who will treat someone better if they treat me good.. n when someone is not.. i will ignore them or treat them the way they treat me(bad treatment in this case..)... mayb it is a kind of defensive mechanism or something.. i dont really know.. but that is the way it is...

hurmm.. mayb this is the first time i make this public.. i like a girl who i could share everything with.. laughter n sadness... there are a lot of time people say that i am too quiet.. hurmm.. that is not the truth.. when i comfortable with someone.. i tend to speak a lot.. i even hv problem to stop.. that is y i'm searching someone that could be my best fren as much as a good wife n mom.. i want to be a good dad n husband that is y i want a good mom n wife.. in term of best fren.. i want to be able to share almost if not everything with my luv one.. there is no point if i could not even talk long hours with my wife.. share everything we went through everyday.. or every conversation we hv end in a fight.. its the perfect recipe for 4ever love 4 me i guess.. every person is different.. this is mine.. y dont u share urs?

think i' babbled to much already today.. for those who could read this sentence.. congratulations... u just waste a lot of time reading my babble box... =p

till then..
::xoxo::